Ill Prepared
by HowAboutThat
Summary: Stan's ill prepared for a lot of things that these kids will need, but these are the one's he's more ill prepared for than the rest. Warning at the very top before the disclaimer of the first chapter. To be honest I'm not 100% sure what this should be, but Humor and Family works, I guess. Rated T for... well, you'll find out soon enough. [Written before Tale of Two Stans] ?-shot
1. First Time

HAT: Oh, my gosh, I can't with me... _yes_ , this is about Grunkle Stan having to deal with Mabel's first period... I am officially done with me... Just read. You've been warned.

 **Disclaimer: Despite how I want to sometimes, I don't own Gravity Falls or it's characters, but the plot... now _that_ belongs to me. Onward Aoshima!**

* * *

It was an ordinary morning in the Mystery Shack. Stanford was glad that everything was running so smoothly- he'd waken up without his alarm and had a good breakfast prepared for himself and the kids- but- as usual- _something_ had to happen that threw his regular days out of whack, but instead of supernatural hullabaloo that he's used to hearing about and experiencing, it's something much more mundane and- to him at least- much more terrifying to deal with. And it was only eight-thirty in the morning.

"Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Stan!" Dipper shouts at the top of his lungs as he nearly stumbles towards his great uncle in attempt to be as fast as possible.

"What is it?" Stanford asks, looking up from counting his money.

"Mabel's hurt!" Dipper insists, eyebrows furrowed and a worried frown in his face.

"What happened?"

"I don't know! Just come on!" The boy groans as he grabs the man's hand and pulls him towards the stairs.

Stanford rushes into the twin's room and finds Mabel _sobbing_ as she sits in her bloody sheets as still as she possibly could be. At first he assumes that she's been stabbed or cut herself, but that doesn't explain why it's only around her-

 _Oh, no... this was supposed to happen when you got back to Piedmont!_ Stanford mentally yells, his entire body seizing up in alarm. Mabel Pines, his great niece, was- as everyone put it- becoming a woman. He wasn't ready. He wasn't prepared to give this speech no matter how much he assured her mother and aunt that he could. He was a man so he was able give Dipper advice when he reached that point (his voice was already cracking, the rest was bound to come sometime soon if it hadn't already), but as for the feminine stuff he couldn't do it.

"G-Grunkle Stan, what's wrong with me?" Mabel sobs.

 _It's okay, calm down- so much blood- calm down-_ Is she still bleeding?!- _calm... this is your niece. You can do this,_ he thinks quickly, trying to gain the confidence to do this.

"Listen, sweetie... Um..." He takes off his fez and runs a hand through his hair to calm himself a little. "Grab some clean clothes and then go to the bathroom and... sit on... the toilet."

"Why?"

 _I-I-I-I-I can't! How do women do this?! I'm not prepared! Someone, help me! Dipper! Dipper, you're smart! You_ have _to know about this already, explain it to her!_ Obviously this is not said aloud, but he has to continue on despite how much he hates it. He can't even look her in the eye! It's like he's lying to her about the pig all over again, but this time he isn't. _Please tell me I'm not blushing..._

He wasn't, but his face felt hot all the same and- in face- his face was _paler_ than before as if _he_ were the one losing blood.

"So that way the blood gets in there instead of all over the sheets and... um... wipe... wipe up down there," he grunts as he coughs into his fist.

"Is she gonna be okay?" Dipper asks, his worried brown eyes on his twin.

"Yeah," Stan assures. "And put your shorts in the sink and... the other in the sink, too... make sure they soak in some water. Dipper, is Wendy here today?"

"No, she has the day off."

 _Damn it! Of all the days for me to be a good boss!_ He thinks. "Well, call her and tell her to meet me at the store _now_ and you go tell Soos that he has to use the portable toilets until all of this is resolved."

"What is _this_?" the boy demands as he watches his grukle pull the sheets off the bed and go to the empty laundry basket to dump them in.

"I- uh- gotta go to the store, I'll be back later," Stan stutters and immediately goes down to the car and takes off to the store. Several minutes later he is in the feminine products isle and looking at everything in confusion. He doesn't know what to get his niece for whatever this is, which is why he has to have Wendy there to help him.

"Mr. Pines?!" Wendy calls.

Stanford jumps and ducks into the man hygiene area and sticks his head from that isle. "Over here!"

"What's up, Mr-"

He drags her into the feminine products section and points to the multitude of products. "What do I get?"

The redhead takes a moment to take in which isle they are in before she realizes what he means. "Oh... her first time?"

"Yes and I don't know what to get."

Wendy immediately grabs two large packages of pads that say "Always," some sorts of wipes, and something called a "pantyliner" as well. "Let's go check out."

"Here's some money, go pay for it," he whispers, shoving the money towards her.

She frowns. "Mr. Pines, this is your niece. Do you love her?"

He gapes at her. "Of course I do!"

She gives him a serious look that consists of lowering her chin slightly, frowning lightly, and bringing her eyebrows together. "Then buy the pads."

He sighs and grabs the items and walks to the cash register, noting how Wendy goes immediately to the door, and starts counting his money as the items are scanned without so much as a glance toward the cashier.

"Your girl's first period?"

He glances up at the older woman with deep mocha skin, hazel eyes, and curly salt-n-pepper hair and decides that he'll throw her a bone- she's pretty enough to answer. "Yeah..."

"I think that's sweet. That'll be seventeen-fifty-three. Mind if I give you some advice?"

"Sure, go ahead," he grumbles, handing over a twenty dollar bill.

"Try not to be _too_ awkward about it. And be calm," she says with a kind smile as she hands him his change. "You know everything about periods, right?"

"Generally, yeah," he shrugs.

"How long it lasts and how she needs to take extra care of her v-"

" _Please_ don't say it," he begs, his face read.

She giggles at his reaction. "Of _that_ area?"

"Y-yes," he grumbles, tugging at his collar. "Is it getting a little warm in here to you?"

"I suppose," the woman- Estelle her name tag says upon further inspection- replies to save him a bit more embarrassment and hands him the plastic bag. "Good luck."

"Thanks," he grunts, taking the plastic bag and fleeing out of the store so that he can go home and deal with his niece- and panicking nephew when he considers it.

"I think she likes you," Wendy says as she gets in step with him.

He doesn't reply and gets in his car and throws the plastic bag in the passenger's seat and drives to the Mystery Shack. As soon as he pulls up he sees Dipper running towards him.

"She told me she hasn't stopped bleeding! What's happening to her? I've looked and there's no supernatural explanation for it," Dipper shouts.

"Kid, calm down. It's a natural process for women... now I've gotta take care of it. You stay out here."

With that said he grips the plastic bag tighter and goes to the bathroom and knocks on the door.

"Who is it?"

"Your Grunkle Stan," he says, pulling out the pads. "Now, I want you to... to wipe up and use these things I have for you, okay?"

After a minute or two the door opens a crack and he- with his eyes closed as tightly as physically possible- holds out the bag and she takes it. Several more minutes tick by and he paces in front of the door anxiously while mentally giving himself a pep talk.

 _You got this... you're a man and men can do anything! It's just a talk about her period and how she's growing into a young woman. It's no different than giving Dipper_ the talk _when I found him spying on girls... yeah, just the same... Just gotta come at it strong and be a little sweet since she's a girl- ocrapshe'scomingout!_

He turns and finds her standing there awkwardly with a pout on her face. "Grunkle Stan, what's going on?"

 _This is it._ "You'd better come sit down while we talk about this," he grumbles, going to the closet room- the attic- and sits her in a chair while he sits down on Dipper's bed- of conscious choice because he realizes that there's a small blood stain on her bed. "Alright, sweetie... You're probably wondering what's going on with your body right now. Well, there's something called the menstrual cycle or- better known as- the time of the month."

Already the girl looks horrified.

To be honest he was too.

-SEVERAL (HORRIFYING) MINUTES LATER-

He finishes his little speech with, "Any- uh- any questions?"

"No."

"Good... any other questions you have you can ask me- though you should probably ask Wendy if you want better answers," he says before coughing into his fist. "So- uh- yeah... I'm gonna go... do stuff."

He flees from his niece as quickly as he possibly can and grabs the laundry basket. He goes into the bathroom and sheds his jacket and rolls up the sleeves of his shirt before he gets on his knees and turns the water on in the tub. He- despite everything that tells him to burn the sheets and buy new ones- hand washes them as best he can to get as much blood out of them as possible. He makes himself imagine that he accidentally stabbed himself and blood got on the sheets to make it a little easier on himself. When he's sure that he's gotten as much out as he can he stops the water and goes to the sink.

 _Oh, dear, Lord, don't make me do this,_ he thinks, looking at the shorts- which isn't what he's worried about- and the panties. Still he starts with the shorts and washes them out as best as he can, being sure that he isn't seeing pink water, before he moves onto the panties. _You love your niece... you love your niece._

No one could ever say he didn't love his niece because he has _never_ washed _any_ female's underwear in his _entire_ life- let alone when her _period blood's_ all over it. After he's done cleaning that he gathers everything: the sheets, shorts, and underwear and goes to the washer and throws everything in and starts it before running to the kitchen sink- the nearest one to him- and washes his hands at least fourteen times before he feels even remotely close to clean again.

He walks into the gift shop and finds Mabel listening attentively to Wendy as she explains more on what Stan left out and he feels something squeeze his chest, more so on the left than on the right when he realizes that this little girl is growing into a young woman and won't be his little girl anymore.

"Grunkle Stan? Are you crying?" Dipper asks.

 _Am I?_ He thinks as he quickly wipes at his eyes. " _No._ There's dust in my eye."

Mabel walks over and gives him a big hug. "I love you, Grunkle Stan."

He smiles softly. "Love you, too kid... but ya didn't hear that from me," he grunts, trying to regain a bit of his toughness, but fails when he sees the smiles on the other's face. "Alright, let's- uh- I dunno, eat breakfast."

"That'd be great!" Mabel says cheerfully and rushes to the kitchen.

 _That wasn't as bad as I thought,_ he thinks, knowing how much of a lie that is to himself as he goes into the kitchen to get something to eat.

* * *

HAT: I don't know _where_ this came from, but I got it from somewhere. Next chapter is gonna be different, but the period thing's gonna be there, too... *shakes head* Something's wrong with me.

Mabel: That would've been very awkward.

HAT: I know, and coming from Stan?

Mabel: *shivers* Anyway. Review, please!


	2. We're Going Shopping

HAT: Periods. Suck. Period. Fun facts: One: Women would be better warriors because we see blood more often and would be more okay with it (y'know... since we bleed every month) since men are a bit more squeamish with it at first since they're not used to blood. Two: Women bleed on their period enough to kill a grown man. Three: When I was younger and first started learning about periods I thought they were for one day and they were done (don't we all wish that were true?).

ALSO! Can you tell me- aside from the plot of it- what's different? Hint: It's a description.

 **Disclaimer: Despite how I want to sometimes, I don't own Gravity Falls or it's characters, but the plot... now _that_ belongs to me. Onward Aoshima!**

* * *

"Grunkle Stan?"

"Hm?"

"Could you go to the store and buy me some pads?"

The world stopped for Stanford Pines as he freezes in restocking the shelves. Slowly his mind begins to break down and process the words his great niece, Mabel Pines, had just said to him. Going to the store was something he could do. He does that all the time. Usually he goes and gets simple things like food and drinks- granted the cheapest stuff he can find, but still- and he has no problem with that. He's bought knitting supplies and such for his great niece and some extra clothes and pens for his great nephew, but otherwise he hasn't gotten anything too personal for either of them. Pads was _not_ one of the things that he's ever bought for her before.

 _It hasn't even been a full month yet,_ he thinks before snapping out of his stupor. "B-b-buy you what?"

" _Pads_ ," she repeats, enunciating the word just in case he hadn't understood her the first time.

"I- uh- I dunno... uh... Hey, look! A customer!"

"You're not getting away _that_ easy," she says, grabbing hold of his suit. He _could have_ dragged her, but he decides that could hurt her so he stops. "Grunkle Stan, I _need_ pads. My pe-"

"Nonononono! I don't wanna hear it," he nearly shouts, trying to escape this conversation completely.

His great niece huffs and blows a stray hair out of her face only for it to land right back where it was to begin with. "Grunkle Stan, c'mon. It's not like you didn't know. My _period's_ coming soon and I need you to get these pads before it starts. I ran out my last period."

Stanford resists the urge to press his hands against his ears and shout "la la la la la" at the top of his lungs like a child again. He knows about women and their monthly cycle, but he doesn't ever like thinking about it or hearing about it. When it comes to his family it's much worse and being that this is his great niece that happens to be _his_ little girl. He doesn't want to think of her as anything, but that despite knowing that she is turning into a young lady.

"Okay... _okay_... I'll buy them later."

"During break?" She asks.

He sighs and nods. " _Yes..._ During break. You coming with me to get them? I don't know what to get."

"Uh-huh. I'll be in the living room helping Dipper with getting into his duck-boy costume."

"Okay," he grunts as he turns back to stocking his merchandise in order to busy himself and not think about pads and... female things.

Time passed too quickly because before he knows it it's time to go to the store with Mabel. The reason he knows that is because she walks over to him and just stands there for who knows how long before he notices her.

"Time to go!" Mabel shouts merrily.

"Ugh, don't sound so cheerful," he groans before turning to the side. "I'll be back in a little while, I'm taking Mabel to the store!"

"Can I go, too?" Dipper asks, waddling over in his duck suit.

Stanford looks down at his nephew and grimaces. "Yeesh... uh- you stay here with Soos and try to get out of that."

"Aw, c'mon! I wanna go! I need stuff!"

"Not as bad as your sister right now," Stanford grumbles as he scratches the back of his neck and glances down at the girl.

"Sorry, Dipstick, it's a girl thing."

Her brother grimaces, having learned the hard way what that saying means.. "Ew... have fun you two."

 _Like it's possible._

He and Mabel get into the car and they drive towards the store. The car ride is long and awkward for him. A few times he thought of diving out of the car, but each time he quickly discards it because he loves his great niece- obviously otherwise he wouldn't be doing this.

They pull into the parking lot and he unlocks the doors. "Alright, you- uh- go in there and steal some and I'll be waiting here ready to make our getaway."

She frowns. " _Grunkle Stan_. It's not like your washing my-"

" _Okay_. I'm going in," he grunts and takes off his seat belt.

"Thank you," she sighs and exits the car.

The two of them walk in and Mabel- as if instinctively- walks into the isle with all the necessary feminine products. Stanford glances around just in case someone he knows happens to come by and see him. He _does not_ want to be here buying pads. He feels like he's buying drugs or something (not that he's ever done that before).

Soon enough he's standing at the register where there is a beautiful woman that Stan dearly hopes is around his age. She has dark skin, curly salt-n-pepper hair, and bright green eyes. She's not fat, but she's not skinny- plump, he decides. Still, he's never been good with guessing people's ages (who else would hire a twelve year old? Stan had thought he was sixteen only to later learn that he wasn't) and he was especially terrible when it came to people that aged well (A/N: Black people mainly (though I've seen people of other races that made me give up guessing ages completely)).

"Hello," she says with a kind smile.

"Hey," he grunts, immediately pulling out his wallet to try and avoid eye contact over what she's scanning.

"It's really sweet that you're doing this for your granddaughter," the woman says.

"Great niece, actually," he corrects awkwardly.

She giggles. "That's even sweeter... that'll be seven-eighty-three."

He glances at her name tag as he hands her the money. "Here ya go, Estelle."

"Thank you... and, here's your change," she mumbles as she gives him the money.

"Thanks," he grunts and puts the change in his wallet.

"By the way, I like your suit, it looks nice on you," Estelle says as she hands him the plastic bag containing his purchase.

"Thanks," he grunts again, trying not to look at his grinning niece. "Uh..."

"Have a nice day," she says, helping him a little with the conversation.

"Too you- I mean... you, too," he manages before he turns and flees with his grandniece trying to keep up with him- after all he _is_ her ride home. When they get in the car he hears her suck in a breath to speak, but quickly says, "We shall never speak of this."

She pouts. "I think she liked you."

"Shuddup," he shouts as he starts driving back to the Shack.

 _Though I haven't seen her around before... guess she's knew to town._

"Thanks for buying the pads, by the way."

He grunts. "It's better than washing your clothes, I give ya that."

Mabel bursts out laughing. "Yeah, you're taking this a _lot_ better than when you found my bras an-"

"Yeah, yeah, let's... let's not talk about that right now..."

"Okay," she giggles, but still thinking of his reaction of the first time he ever had to wash her clothes.

* * *

HAT: I'm thinking about either adding another chapter to this about Stan's reaction to finding Mabel's bra and underwear in the dirty clothes when he separates them (don't want reds with whites).

Stan: You're terrible.

HAT: You are, too!

Stan: *glares at her* You made me have to deal with a hysterical Mabel on her first period and then a crabby one that wants me to get her pads. Why're you even thinking about adding another one?!

HAT: Now that I think about it... this could be a series of one-shots of whatever I conjure up something that you'd be uncomfortable in!

Stan: Don't you dare!

HAT: *grins* I think I will! What do you guys think? Think I should?

Stan: No! I don't!

HAT: The readers... anyway, would you say it?

Stan: *glares at her* Review...


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